Battered Fish Nuggets

In the process of finishing my new personal website, I’ve done a bit of digging in to all that I’ve created in my past. One of the funny things I noticed was there’s a pretty significant gap in my “creations.”

It was a bit like the butterfly moment, where I went into my cocoon and have been working out how the fuck you build wings to fly this new vessel I’ve created for myself.

“Just Be You” I’ve heard a good bit recently. And it was only a couple years ago that I wrote that piece: “Who am I and what the fuck am I doing with my life?”

This new website has been that chance to show who the fuck I really am to the world. Nick and I were talking about this last night. So many people in our lives know us for this “ONE THING” that we do. Whether that’s “makes advertisements” or “IT guy” or whatever it is, they see that part of me, and they just kind of assume that’s all I do.. because most people are very singular, I think, and they approach it from their understanding of themselves.

Well, to be honest, I’m a bit of a renaissance man. I can sit down and have a high level theoretical physics conversation, I can go deep in to art history and appreciate nuance with you, I can build a house, top to bottom, with my own hands, entirely: frame it, trim it, tile it, wire it, plumb it, and make sure its up to code. I can code programs. I can build or fix pretty much anything. I can kinda speak a couple languages (a lot more computer languages than human, but I digress). I can kickflip, boardslide a downrail, and shred a mini ramp. I can drop a powline that would make most people shit their pants. I could drop someone with a sharp elbow, and talk someone off a cliff. I have an insanely high physical pain tolerance, while also being capable of extreme emotional sensitivity. I can write poetry, direct movies, and imagine things that are so outside of this world that you’d want to put me in the loony bin. I can work on a car, design 3d models, and think about ways to improve the world with technologies that don’t even exist yet.

These are all hats. And these are only a few of the hats I wear. I could probably write a huge list of things I’ve “mastered,” because I enjoy learning new things. And once I learn something, I want to know all about it. It’s not okay for me to simply be “proficient.” I want to be able to use it.

And it allows me to do what I do. Be who I am.

And for most people, that’s pretty complex. Which is why its hard to share who I am with people. Because sometimes, I don’t even fucking know. Because I’m all of these things, and more, in any singular instance.

How did I learn all this stuff? I don’t know. I just played.

My mom tells people about me being 18 months old and able to navigate 30 menus of Windows 3.0 to get to my mickey mouse game. I signed up for the talent show in 2nd grade to play guitar, and didn’t even know how to play guitar. I came home, told my parents I signed up for the talent show to play guitar, and that I needed a guitar to learn on so I could do it. I switched my major from art to astrophysics because I could tell people “trust me… I’m a rocket scientist”

So who the fuck am I? Stick around and you’ll find out.

One of the things that popped up in that musing for what I’ve created in the past was this little video with my friend Burt and Neeko. It was the last time I just grabbed my camera and went on an adventure with my friends. Before I felt like I had to prove that I could create all this high level shit. Before I felt like I was over making videos unless they were full productions and pushing myself creatively, and all this horse shit I convinced myself of.

It was also about the same time I started to spiral into the darkest part of my depression.

Maybe because I was putting so much pressure on myself to create what I thought the world “wanted” or “needed” me to create, instead of just having fun, which is how the fuck I learned all this stuff in the first place.

Having fun. That’s who Evan is. He likes to have fun. Learning is fun. Playing is fun.

So it’s time to learn and play some more. To stand on the roof and show people what I’m all about, before I felt like I had to prove anything.

Here’s the first Memory Monday, where I share something I created long before most of the people who “know” me today ever met me.

From 2015, here’s Battered Fish Nuggets.